Tone
Content warning: mention of death. ↓ Note to readers
I’m hoping to be writing more. I’m wanting to express myself. I’ve been self-censoring. And it hurts.
I’ve been keeping my voice quiet. I’ve been moulding my words to fit in. I’ve been silent when I wanted to speak.
I’ve been having a really hard time recently.
And I’ve been almost completely unable to talk about it.
I imagine all the ways I could be misunderstood. And I think about how I can close those gaps and talk about stuff in a way that anyone could understand.
But that’s impossible. It’s overwhelming.
I’m overwhelmed. Life has been overwhelming.
For months.
I can hardly speak about it. I can hardly talk with those who have reached out to me.
I don’t know what to say, or how to say it.
But I have to begin. Or (I feel like somehow) I might die. I might fade away into the background to be forever forgotten.
It’s crazy. But that’s where I am. Have been.
Except today. When I’ve been brave enough to write this. And press publish. Knowing I will want to change it later. Knowing I will want to censor it, wishing I hadn’t posted. Hoping I hadn’t alienated myself a bit more from the world.
I hate this introspection. It’s like an obsession. I can’t get out of it. It’s exhausting.
Note to readers
I am trying to use this blog to be honest with myself. That it may be something that helps me. To keep me in some kind of community. Of kindred spirits.
If I continue to write. This has to be my space. And if you visit this space, it's important to me that you know what you’re getting into.
I’m not a happy airy fairy person. At least not right now.
I do find comfort in the darkness. I’m not scared of it. But sometimes I forget about the light. It’s something I work on constantly. But also, it’s a developmental issue. Supposedly incurable. Or whatever.
The point I’m making. Is.
You are welcome to be here. You are welcome to read. You are welcome to reach out and message me. (I would like that). But I need you to understand that you might see me being ‘morbid’ sometimes. And even if that concerns you, I am telling you that I know where to get help and I am safe.
Part of that ‘being safe’ extends to how you interact with me. So please be cautious. Please don’t try to fix me, or give advice, or correct my reality.
I will always try to give content warnings for people that might need them. But sometimes that won’t happen because I don’t know what you need as a reader. And I am not going to overthink it.
I hope that all of the above is ok with you, reader. And I totally get it if it’s not.
Aeryn